My wife has nightmares

I’m not sure about this, but my own informal and somewhat anecdotal research suggests that most people have a recurring theme to their dreams and nightmares. I spent a ridiculous number of years as an undergrad and it seems that that left enough of an impression on my psyche that I always dream about my days in university. Typically I remember that there’s a class on my schedule that I forgot about and I haven’t attended all semester. This actually happened to me – I had a seminar component to one of my classes that I forgot to attend right up until the midterm exams. Anyways, in the dream, I haven’t attended any classes at all right up to the final exams, I’m completely unprepared for the exam, failure is almost certain, I’ll probably be expelled, and on top of that the world will probably end.

When I met her, most of my wife’s nightmares were about elevator shafts, but since we’ve been together, it’s been something different. In her dreams, she panics when she realizes that she didn’t marry me – instead, she’s either married to someone else whom she can’t remember, or she’s married to her last boyfriend.

My wife, like a lot of women who have bad relationships with their fathers, spent years seeking male approval and attention, and most of the men who gave her that attention weren’t at all equal to or worthy of her. None of them physically abused her, but her last boyfriend verbally abused her, and it has to be said that none of her exes really treated her as well as she deserved.

After we got married, she told me that she actually felt guilty – she felt like it was her fate in life to marry a man much like her father – a man who would abuse her – and that by marrying me she had cheated that fate. She felt like it was her fate to learn to deal with that abuse and, I guess, to accomodate her abuser, and that by marrying me she had chosen “the easy way out” (her words). I think these dreams are a manifestation of that guilt.

Just like the movie…

I was a 28 year old virgin. That bears repeating. At 28 years of age I had not had sex with a woman (or man). Why not? I’ve thought about that at length and I think it’s because I’m asocial. I’ve never been able to form friendships – not intimate relationships, but just plain old friendships – with other people. That’s a serious problem in itself (one that I still suffer with), but it turns out that if you don’t have any friends outside of classes or work, you don’t get introduced to or meet a lot of women. Not having friends means you miss out on a lot of social events – even just casual stuff like going to a pub or hanging out together in a common-room. I’m not fat, or especially unattractive. I’m not athletic or particularly fetching, either, but as a friendless loner, it just doesn’t matter.

Mind you, it’s not that I didn’t have opportunities early on. I was asked out by a few girls in high school. That’s not necessarily a chance to lose your virginity, but at least it would have been companionship. I turned every one of them down, for a lot of really dumb reasons. Anyways, after high school there was university, but I waited for a few years before going, so no one that I had known in high school was there. And after school (the first degree) there was work, and while I had thought in university that I couldn’t possibly be more alone, it was even worse in the working world.

There’s a story in a book that I read by a psychiatrist who’s counseling a patient who complains that he can’t find any friends. Paraphrasing, the psychiatrist responds, “Joe, in all the world, you have no friends waiting to be found.” His patient is shocked that his doctor would say something so blunt and cruel. Eventually, after his patient has grown even more despondent, the psychiatrist continues, “There are no friends out there in the world waiting for you. You have to MAKE friends!” I’m mentioning this because I don’t want to leave the impression that I’m blaming anyone else for my friendlessness. I know that I’ve wasted a lot of time and let go of a lot of chances to connect with other people. It’s my own fault. Friends are made, not found, and I just haven’t tried hard enough to make them.

Anyways, back to my virginity. A man’s virginity, in his youth, is precious. Sometime around 22 or 23 it becomes a painful annoyance. By 28, it’s a humiliating reminder of failure, so I decided that I was going to pay for sex. I called an escort service, and asked for a girl. I think when they asked me for any preferences, I said that I’d like someone ‘athletic’. I might have also used the word ‘lithe’.

She arrived a few hours later. She was an ex-stripper who found she could make more money as an escort. I think when I told her that I was a virgin she felt comfortable enough to tell me that she was married. Apparently her husband got a charge out of knowing that she was going out to have sex with a stranger. As fetishes go it’s a strange one, but even then there were ground rules – she said that he’d get really upset if she didn’t tell him about it. I find that really interesting – it wasn’t the fact that his lady was going out for the evening to be penetrated by another man that bothered him. What upset him was when it became an experience that was exclusive to his wife and some other guy – when it was a secret that she kept from him and shared only with that other man.

Anyways, we had sex, and I was finally rid of my virginity. As sex goes it was OK – It was over much too quickly. I called on the services of that same girl a second time a few weeks later, and the sex was much, much better. In fact, it some of the best that I’ve ever had, really. She was tall and had a beautifully proportioned body that fit together with mine just perfectly.

Aside from this, my only other sexual experience was with my only other girlfriend – a girl that I met at a dance class. We went on a couple of dates together, and on our second date there was a lot of intimate touching, but not really any sex. At any rate, we broke up shortly after – I think we had an argument on the phone and just never called each other again. It seems pretty silly now, thinking about it.

My wife had a lot more experience with men than I had with women. She was having sex early and often. She lost her virginity just after high school, and went on to have sex with at least 7 other men in her early 20’s before she settled into a long term relationship. Moreover, she’s had an innumerable number of boyfriends – she couldn’t even count them when I asked. She had plenty of opportunities, and she took them. While I was thinking of stupid reasons to turn away friends and say no to women, my wife was enthusiastically saying yes to the men she met.

My Wife

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years now. I love her, and I’m quite sure she loves me. We’ve had some difficulties in our marriage, but we’ve always persevered because I think we’re both much happier with each other than we were before.

We met each other at school. We were both about 28 and were both working on our second degrees. We were in the same degree program. Also, we were taking a martial arts class on campus together. Still, I don’t think that I ever noticed her. She tells me that she noticed me, mostly because I always sat near the front of our classes. The first time I remember talking to her was when I struck up a conversation with her in one of our labs. I can’t remember what we talked about, but that was when we started our email correspondence.

We became friends, and she tried to set me up with one of her friends. At the same time, I’d met an exchange student from Argentina that I was interested in. I didn’t understand why at the time, but the only person I was thinking of was my friend. She was unavailable – she was already in a relationship – but I still couldn’t stop thinking about her.

We were at a pub on campus. It wasn’t a busy night, and it was late – near closing time. I think we were the only customers there. We’d spent the evening talking, and we’d had a bit to drink. I told her that I really felt like kissing her, and she told me that if I did, she’d leave her boyfriend. I kissed her, and we fell into each others arms. I don’t how long we were making out with each other, but I can only imagine what the barmaids thought. It didn’t matter – we were in our own little world together, and we were happy there.

I dropped her off at the bus stop that night, after leaving the pub. She asked me, “Why me?” I didn’t know what to say, mostly because I wanted to say something meaningful. I can’t remember what I said.

Hearing

I’m listening to loud music right now. I don’t do this often, but when I need to stop thinking about something, nothing suppresses thought as well as loud music. I’m concerned, though, because I read this story about the ‘mosquito’ ring-tone/7-eleven defense system.

A little while ago there was a convenience store owner in the UK who wanted to get rid of all the teenagers loitering around his store. He thought of exploiting the phenomenon of age-diminishing dynamic range in human hearing. We lose the ability to hear high-pitched noises as we get older, and this shop owner thought to make a gadget that would emit a loud sound – a loud and very annoying sound – that teenagers could hear but older folk couldn’t.

The teenagers caught on, though, and figured out that they could use that sound, called the ‘mosquito’, as a telephone ringtone. Very helpful, I would imagine, when they want to get their text messages in the middle of class without their teachers knowing.

I’m in my mid-30’s now, and I don’t want to scare away teenagers, but the article pointed out that listening to loud music can narrow your ears’ dynamic range. I’m very…mindful…of things that inflict permanent damage on my body. I don’t use mind-altering drugs, not so much because I’m morally opposed to them (I’m not) but rather because I don’t want to take the chance that they might harm my brain, even infinitesimally, and make me a bit less intelligent (not that I’m exceptionally intelligent). I don’t smoke either, I don’t drink (much), and I’ve never gotten a tattoo. And when someone says that listening to loud music can affect my hearing, I take notice – but I really do need to clear my mind right now. So I’ll risk it.

Ring

Today, I didn’t wear my wedding ring. I’ve been wearing it for so long, I can’t remember the last time I took it off.