My ugly night
My wife and I had another argument last night, and it isn’t any better this morning. I had told her last night that I wanted to try smoking weed – just once, you understand. She’s done it, after all. I thought that that was a fairly reasonable thing to want to try, but mentioning it to her it was like throwing a match into a tinderbox.
I’ve mentioned that I’m living with a lot of regret right now. I’m angry that there are so many things that I haven’t tried in my twenties. I guess I feel inferior for not having had those experiences. I’m angry that I isolated myself from all my friends and the only people left in my life validated the really dumb things that I was doing.
A week ago I told her that I wanted to build experiences that were separate from her – I wanted to do things that didn’t involve her. What it come right down to is that I feel inferior to her and I wanted to do things that she hasn’t. Evening the lover imbalance isn’t a possibility – I know that now, although I wasn’t sure at one time. I’m not going to break my marriage vows, no matter how much it hurts me thinking of her past boyfriends. I was thinking more along the lines of going out with friends, or maybe going on a short trip somewhere, or taking up a hobby outside the home. I’m already exercising a lot without her.
It was about a week ago that I realized that my wife has nothing to do with the regret that I’m feeling. It really is my own sense of inferiority to her. I don’t need to build these ’separate experiences’. Of course I’ll end up having them – how can two human being spend all of their time doing everything together? But I don’t *need* to look things that I want to do for the specific purpose of excluding her. That would be cruel, and it wouldn’t make me happy anyways.
When I told her about my wanting to try weed, she thought that I was still hung-up on excluding her from my life. I’ve told her that that isn’t true, but she’s still angry. I’ve put her through a lot the last few weeks. I’ve been badgering her for the details of her past – a past she isn’t interested in thinking about. When I told her that I wanted to try marijuana, she got angry and said that she didn’t know me anymore, and that she wanted a divorce.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen.
